dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
