There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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