Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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