half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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