If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
