Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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