well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
