I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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