this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
