My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
