I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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