Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Randomize
