I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
