The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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