I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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