I love black thongs
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
