Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
