it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
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