Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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