I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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