I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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