literally had 100 drinks last night.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
