I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
