I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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