Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
