He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Even my vagina gasped.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Just puked most of my soul out..
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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