I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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