birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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