Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
