i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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