My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
