my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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