Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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