When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
