I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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