It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
