Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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