The maid of honor just puked.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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