I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
