new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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