I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Randomize
