If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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