He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
