My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He felt like a one man threesome
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
