Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
