Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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