sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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