I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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