Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
