I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
