can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
