I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
