Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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